When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Sunday, January 04, 2004
Gone is my sweet December. Much of it was spent on dolce vita with him, as the Italian saying goes, dolce far niente, or sweet doing nothing. Even as I write this blog now, I think of him, and I wonder if he's thinking of me too. His grand entrance into my life exerts such a strong pull on me that everything he does or says tugs my heart, as though a viciously sharp hook is dug into my insides. When we had our worst bickers or disagreements I could almost imagine my torso being torn open by a mystical and powerful force. I haven't felt so rattled and shaken for a long time, so inexplicably helpless and out of place, so unsure of what I want and what I should do.
A profound loneliness in the Queen - the solitary vigil of the cynic watching over her vulnerable heart, lest anyone surprise it into trust or tenderness. But has she always been so wary? Or has she learnt from bitter experience not to open herself to love? Or has she simply never been exposed to sweet simple love?
I am happy when he's happy; and I'm disoriented and thrown into a panic frenzy when he is blanked out or sad.
Sorry Smash, I believe I agreed to trash reading with you in school before the hols, and we haven't had a chance to meet up at all. Sorry D and E, I've flied enough aeroplanes to take over Changi International Airport as the best in the world. Sorry Wil, I haven't had a decent conversation to find out how you've been doing for ages. Sorries to everyone else. I haven't been myself much, not that I've ever been, but during vacation time I almost always lose myself to bumming.
Dread and anticipation, hope and despair. In a funny way I kinda dread going back to school. If things had been easier I might have anticipated it with much more zeal and excitement, but the situation doesn't seem to agree with me. Aikes. Of course, all difficulties and inconveniences are self-perceived. Eventually things will be done. But still I am entitled to sulk and lament about certain comfort and luxuries I do not have, am I not? Then again, upon closer scrutiny, I am blessed, and very much so too. Touched by angels and surrounded by love, care and concern, who am I to be the eternal pessimist, the disbeliever and the cynic?
-- Name: Li Jingmei (for simplicity sake ppl know me as Jimmie)
-- Birth date: 10 August 1982
-- Location: Singapore
-- Eye Color: Black
-- Hair Color: Sun-bleached
-- Height: 163 cm
-- Zodiac Sign: Leo
LAYER TWO:
-- The shoes you wore today: Trodded around in my house barefeet today
-- Your weakness: I think and ponder and deliberate and presume and assume too much
-- Your fears: Losing my loved ones
-- Your perfect pizza: Super Supreme
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: I failed to achieve my dream three years ago. There's no turning back the hands of time now. For now, I just wanna take good care and provide for the ones I love, taking it as it comes day by day, bumming and indulging till the day I reach 30 and then slowly and quietly fade and wither away.
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase(s) on MSN: doinks, gahs, erms; borrowed from him: pui, aikes
-- Your thoughts first waking up: hmmmm?
-- Your best physical feature: my tan
-- Your bedtime: anytime really. I slept like a baby for like almost the whole day today, alternating between periods of sweet oblivion and reading a most predictable and somewhat trashy book
-- Your most missed memory: The time before the age of awareness, when I was like any other child born to light. When was it? I cannot recall or define.
LAYER FOUR:
-- In love? =) Loving someone is different from being in love with someone. Tony Parsons made that distinction rather clearly and succinctly. There are times when I feel like a merciful, saint, utterly, entirely, and completely washed over and overwhelmed with love for everyone and anyone, yet there are also times I feel so very alone, all alone in my own world wrapped by a shroud of suffocating solitude. At times like this my flow of love dwindles to a pathetically miserable trickle that is channeled only to those most important to me. Ah, I digressed too much. In love? =) What do you think?
LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Intellectual smoking? That I do a lot, and I humbly think I excel reasonably at it. As for carcinogenic life-reducing nicotine-laced pleasure, I do succumb to internal struggles to self-destruct once in a blue moon. Not so much for the pleasure, no, not that, but to concentrate and focus on breathing in the puffs of fluffy white smoke that curls around me like wiry phantom-like phalanges. Inhale them and have them permeating within me instead of temptatiously and seductively circling around me. To feel, to experience, and maybe to understand and appreciate the reputed therapeutic relaxation smoking can bring.
-- Cuss: Erms. Does "cuss" refer to "curse"? If so I do silently scream and shriek it mentally, but the worse I can utter under usual controlled circumstances would most likely me "qu si".
-- Sing: Baah baah black sheep have you any wool?
-- Take a shower everyday: Nods.
-- Have a crush: Hee. All the time. Right now my eyes are locked on this baah baah he-lamb...
-- Do you think you've been in love: In love and yet not so in love with all things romantic or anything pertaining to romance. I am Donna Quixote.
-- Want to go to college: I think I am already in college.
-- Like(d) high school: =)
-- Believe in yourself: Not all the time
-- Get motion sickness: Yea man
-- Think you're attractive: Depends on which part of me that's under question
-- Think you're a health freak?: I used to be, in a destructive sorta way
-- Get along with your parent(s): =) (Mona Lisa smile)
-- Like thunderstorms: If I could sit under a shelter, wrapped in a thick warm blankie together with my other half to enjoy the spectacular display of Nature's pyrotechnics, why not?
-- Play an instrument: Aikes.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month... -- drank alcohol: Nods
-- Smoked: I think I did.
-- Done a drug: Do aphrodisiacs count? hur hur hur =D
-- Had Sex: Erms
-- Made Out: Erms
-- Gone on a date: Finally, a question to which an answer is rated accepted and suitably catered to public opinion, YES!
-- Gone to the mall?: Sheets. Not quite. Passed by for food or what not, yes, but to shop... Hm..
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: I don't fancy Oreos that much. Kinda biased against them. Oh don't mind me, I boycotted Nike for a while too, together with those Oreos.
-- Eaten sushi: Nods.
-- Been on stage: Eh
-- Been dumped: I hope not.
-- Gone skating: No leh.
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever... -- Played a game that required removal of clothing: I might have. But I don't recall. What kinda games are we talking about here anyway!
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Hee *hic* ~burp~
-- been caught "doing something": I nearly caught a fish. Can't remember if anyone caught me doing anywhere, alone or otherwise.
-- Been called a tease: YES.
-- Got beaten up: Bitten or beaten?
-- Shoplifted: NO
-- Changed who You were to fit in: I learnt a lot from him. He made me understand certain things. I might have changed, but not to fit in.
LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: Not thinking.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: I might go on an airy-fairy soliloquy and start rambling on about naming my children Panadol and Paracetomol (so I can call them Dolly and Molly for short), but I rather they stay safe and happy in my castle in the air, never to be tainted or hurt by this cold and harsh world.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Have you ever been to the actual NDP parade? Have you seen those awesome fireworks lighting up the sky above you, just beyond your reach? It is fit for a princess's wedding. When I was there a few years ago I just exclaimed to the person next to me that "I wanna get married!"
-- How do you want to die: Warm. I wanna feel warm, but I wanna feel the biting cold at the same time. I'm one kind weird. I wanna be in this flowing white dress that drapes over my shoulders, to be resting on a boulder by the sea, feeling the wind in my face and then plunging a bejeweled dagger into my middle. Then I'll slowly feel the cold creeping around me, seeping into my veins and sending chills up and down my spine. I'll slowly, ever so peacefully, wither and fade away, slipping into oblivion...
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I had a dream.
LAYER NINE:
In the opposite sex -- Best eye color? Brown
-- Best hair color?: His hair now’s brown
-- Short or long hair: Doesn’t matter as long as it’s him
-- Height: His height
-- Best weight: His weight
-- Best articles of clothing: Anything he wears really
